What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore—
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over—
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?Harlem by Langston Hughes
January is almost over and my beginner wheel throwing class has come to an end; I still have many projects to complete. Before signing up for this class I considered joining a membership at the studio. I hesitantly applied but ultimately held off on purchasing a membership.
Inner Critic Monologue
Why spend all that money on a membership when I'm uncertain about my goals? What do I even plan to do with everything I make? Will I even commit to coming into the studio after work? This is a waste of time and money. I don’t even make that much money girl. I’ll starve.
My Grandma is a Starving Artist!
Growing up my grandma would jokingly refer to herself as a starving artist. As a young girl, I couldn’t grasp the meaning behind the phrase and would proudly announce her title to anyone who would listen. I felt deeply connected with her through creativity. We would sit at the kitchen table and draw together. She taught me how to draw facial features starting with eyes and lips. We’d go to the basement to look at all the unglazed ceramics and never used kiln she had purchased fantasying about our plans to set up shop.
I run in fear as my dreams chase me.
I had subconsciously learned at an early age to view art as a hobby, a very expensive hobby, and not to pursue art as a full time profession. I don’t believe my grandmother intended to instill fear in me; I know she has only spoken from her lived experience as a Black Woman born in the 1940s. Although her words have carried. In high school not once did I consider going to college to study art, engineering and design felt like a similar more secure option. I went from architecture to product design, only to find my way back to the world of crafts with a minor in art furniture. I couldn’t escape my desire to create so I pursued art in small ways. I connected with other artists and hobbyists in my family, some have exhibited their work in museums, others sell as vendors and a few create within the comfort of their home. I meet like minded folks in the city who have dedicated their lives to be scholars, artists, and designers helping me to realize there are endless possibilities and paths to embody this lifestyle.
Do It Afraid
After hearing that tiny ding from my phone confirming my purchase, I ran to the group chat for encouragement. I’ve finally secured my studio membership and I feel crazy! Even with the examples I have close by I feel I’m creating blueprints from scratch like it’s the first time anyone has ever done this. Simultaneously acknowledging my privileged position to take this leap of faith. Although I’m scared, I am supported and must remember that this membership is the first of many investments in my practice. It will provide dedicated space and time for me to expand. Overtime I will learn how to sustain myself. I must trust that leaning into my desires is worthwhile.
A lot of big feelings here but I hope you’ve enjoyed this choppy steam of consciousness. Caio!